Friday, April 16, 2010
I don't have a poem...
This isn't poetry...this is "heart stuff" and I figured...since this blog is entitled "Words on Wings", I have hope that these words will take flight and touch the intended.
2010 burst in with promise...shining brightly, like a new coin, it held potential for new things. I didn't toast my way into it...nor did I party or watch a crystalline sphere drop while shaking from record cold. Nope...I stayed my hiney home. I said that this year would be about ME. That I'd not selfishly...but with self-preservation...give myself this year to do what was best for me. To show others how it was to be done...
Woe to the fool who dares to pen a plan in God's day planner. My penciled strokes were stricken through. God's chuckle, could be heard in reverberations within me as I was scolded with a gentle patting on the head. It's akin to a parent shaking their head while watching their child attempt a feat foolishly.
My year began with an attempt to loosen the hold of a love. My newborn year had been spanked and cries were bellowed, but I caught my breath. (not for long)
Through that, I began to wonder at how I'd make it without my friend...but it was taking it's toll. Then...the loss of three friends. No...no one died...but friendships ended in an abrupt smack. Misunderstandings allowed to fester into prideful stances of nonsense. When I thought it couldn't get any worse...
Josephine Gunn...my father's mother...my lovely grand-kween...left me.
At 81...her body gave way to exhaustion and with as much unselfishness as I could muster...I said, bye. My heart didn't break...it melted. Imagine if your heart actually DID indeed dissolve instantly. Your body would seize most likely, and you'd drop like sandbags. I didn't drop...but, i felt like I could. The only thing that kept me from truly breaking down...was worrying for my dad's emotional state. Waiting for him to lose it...or just cry...was enough to make me stress myself into sleepless nights. I have great friends...regardless of the ones that willingly walked off. I had people come and support me and show me that love doesn't need to be in your face daily...just wrapped around you timely.
Yet...I ended up reaching out to the love I'd tried to let go...and he responded. He's definitely been a help to me...that I cannot deny. There are people, who in spite of locale or life circumstance...just bring peace to your spirit...
Yet, what is weighing on us...is a stillness of intentions. That is all I will say on that.
Well...if it wasn't enough to be in longing for closure and/or consummation...life again brandished the finiteness of time. A sista-friend, Tracey...lost her husband, Darryl yesterday morning in a motorcycle accident. At the news of this loss...I burst into tears. Everything, sitting so close to the surface of an already swelling pool of emotion...overflowed. I keep shaking my head "no". No to this tragedy. No to the fact that Tracey and her husband hadn't been married for even 6 months. No to the fact that she's quite possibly inconsolable. No to how unfair it is for a couple making it work to have time snatched away...and for those squandering time to be given it in surplus. No to it all.
Yet, I know it is not mine to understand. It isn't my plan to execute. It isn't my place to question. I'm human though, so that means this pain goes over my crown of understanding. So, I leave this prayer:
I pray, Lord...that You wrap Tracey into an embrace of comfort and consolation. That You bring peace to her spirit and give her as much love and support as she needs. I ask, Lord that You give her the ability to receive all of the prayers and positive thoughts sent her way allowing for a strengthening in this time...and bless her with the knowledge that she IS loved and cared for.
I love you, Tracey. Rest in peace Darryl...
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